A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.

“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”

“Nine…”

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”

The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee –

OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”

The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

Patient 1: ‘Why did you run away from the operation table?’
Patient 2: ‘The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, and things like that.’

Patient 1: ‘So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?’

Patient 2: ‘She was talking to the surgeon!’

A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution,
takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall. He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape should use that door.

Immediately, they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through.

However, one patient sits still at the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all.

The doctor thinks he must have been cured. He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, “They don’t know that I’m the one who has the key.”

A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.
“Dr I can’t stop farting, sure they don’t smell and make no noise but still i can’t take it any more.”

“Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.”

“Dr what did you do to me not only am I still farting now they smell as well!”

“Oh very well , now about your hearing…”